The hole represents the consequences of addiction if left untreated or what Narcotics Anonymous (N.A)
would say, “jails, institutions, and death oh my!” There is a man in a hole struggling with
addiction. A doctor (representing short-term solutions like science or facts) walks by the man
and throws him some medication and instructs him on how to take it. A priest (representing
religion or faith) walks by the man in the hole and throws him a bible and says read this you’ll
feel better. A recovering addict walks by the man and jumps in the hole and she says, “don’t
worry I have been here before.” Sometimes only people who have lived experience can truly
understand the shame, trauma, and pain of addiction. Because they have experienced it
themselves, they know how to help other addicts find a way out.
Understanding Addiction from the Inside
I am in recovery from addiction. I am also a Certified Advanced Alcohol and Drug
Counselor. A metaphor I use to explain addiction is that it’s like a monster is living inside your
head and is constantly plotting to kill you. That is why we see addicts with twenty years of
recovery relapse and die. The beast is caged but very clever and is constantly trying to convince
the addict to let him out. After my Master’s degree I worked at a methadone clinic. It was there
that I witnessed how diabolical addiction was. According to N.A., addiction is a “cunning enemy
of life.” I heard about mothers who couldn’t stop using and whole families that were addicted.
Recognizing the Reality
And even with all the evidence in my face, I did not see myself. It took me another couple of
years to discover that I was just like them, an addict. But once I knew who I was I could be free
from the monster… one day at a time at least. I had to accept that drugs and alcohol were
poison to me, and I was allergic to them. If I use them, “I break out in handcuffs.” I went to detox
and residential treatment for co-occurring disorders. It took about six months before the monster
convinced me that I was still able to drink alcohol because it was legal and wasn’t my drug of
choice.
The Cycle and the Turning Point
So I started drinking again. Eventually I stopped going to as many Narcotics Anonymous
meetings. But I always stayed in mental health counseling. I worked with one therapist for ten
years. She heard me go through the same cycle over and over again. I would use drugs
because I was lonely or bored. Then I would hang out with sicker and sicker people and end up
in baffling situations. I finally put it together! I found my reason why I would choose recovery for
myself. If I am not using drugs and alcohol, I have so much more control and freedom. The
chance of me ending up around people who were going to use me would be a lot less. But the
work had to begin too. Now I had to figure out how to live life without using drugs or alcohol. I
had to ask for help and listen to other addicts who knew what to do. I needed to figure out how
to have fun again. Because if I was bored, it would make me want to use drugs. I decided to get
back into theatre which was a passion of mine in High School. I had to find out how to be myself
when I didn’t know this “sober person.” I was always the life of the party. I had to get comfortable
with being uncomfortable. I couldn’t hide behind my masks or live a double-life anymore. I didn’t
know who I was but I knew who I didn’t want to be anymore. I wanted friends and family to love
the real me, not the person behind a mask.
Growth, Support, and Perspective
I went to the University of Michigan for my Master’s in Social Work. I owe my life to my
parents and the professors there. They believed in me even when I was struggling, stubborn,
and didn’t want to listen. Harm reduction approaches have helped me stay safe and healthy.
Even though I have personal experience, I do not tell my clients with addictions what to do or
how to work their recovery. This “insider information” has helped me support loved ones of
addicts so they can understand why the addict in their life won’t stop despite going through
absolute hell. Today I focused on my experience with drug and alcohol addiction. Once you
understand this addiction, you can understand the other ones too (porn, gambling, internet,
etc.). Have you ever tried to go the whole day without using your phone? That is what it feels
like to be an addict. An addict who is actively using will think of their obsession that often and
will feel so much relief if they give in. However after some clean time and recovery, the
obsessions become something annoying but so much more tolerable. I can go weeks without
thinking about drugs or alcohol. I can be around my parents who drink. I can go to bars and
restaurants that serve alcohol. Other addicts prefer to limit their exposure to substances; to
each their own. There is hope. Recovery is out there for you. I don’t want to tell you how to get
there. I want to show you different paths and have you create your own recovery.
A Message of Hope
Books, theory, and research only got me so far when it comes to learning about
addiction. The real knowledge came from trying over and over again to make drugs and alcohol
fit in my life when they stopped me from living. You can have everything besides drugs and
alcohol and truly live, or you can have drugs and alcohol and not want to live. I made my choice.
I love working with addiction. I learn from my clients all the time. I would be honored to help on
your journey to recovery from addiction. “Don’t worry. I have been here before.”