As the holiday season quickly approaches, it’s easy to go from “festive” to “frazzled” in record time. If you love your family but also find them to be ‘a lot’, here’s a guide to navigating this season with grace, humor, and healthy boundaries.
Set your intentions, not just your plans
Before thinking about logistics, ask yourself: “What do I actually want to feel this holiday?” Maybe it’s to feel calm, maybe it’s about making better connections, or maybe it’s making it through the day without a meltdown. When you name your intention, it helps you make decisions that protect it.
For example, if your intention is to feel “at peace” you might:
- Say no to going to every holiday party you’re invited to
- Leave early when tensions arise
- Take a walk throughout the day when you need a break from others
Boundaries aren’t rude, they’re necessary
Family gatherings usually bring out family roles- the peacemaker, the responsible one, the difficult one, etc. But you don’t have to continue to play your part. A few boundary setting scripts you can follow include:
- Let’s agree to disagree
- I’m not going to talk about politics today, can you pass the potatoes?
- I love you, but I need a little quiet time right now
- I don’t feel comfortable having this discussion today and would like to wait for another time to talk about it.
Boundaries are not about shutting people out, they mean protecting your energy so you can actually enjoy your time with others.
Manage your expectations
If you go into the holidays expecting a huge blowout, it will cause unease and you’re setting yourself up for negative experiences. If you go into it expecting total peace, you’re then setting yourself up for disappointment. Be realistic.
Expect human behavior: imperfect, messy, sometimes hilarious.
Try this mental shift:
- Instead of “my mom criticizes everything”
- Change it to “my mom criticizes everything, but I can choose not to respond, that’s just how she is”
One of my favorite sayings is “expect the worst but hope for the best”. It sounds pessimistic and contradictory to the above statement, but this saying is two-fold. It helps me recognize realistic ‘worst case scenarios’ instead of thinking about irrational ones. And it gives me the ability to not expect too much while also giving me hope for good
things to come. You can’t change other people, but you can change how you react to their behavior.
Find small moments of real connection
Amongst the noise, look for quiet moments that actually matter: sharing laughter, a walk with a family member, a feeling of understanding during a conversation. Those small, genuine interactions often feel more meaningful than the big picture-perfect ones.
Take micro-breaks
You don’t need to make a dramatic exit, but sometimes you just need a breather. Step outside for a walk, go to the bathroom, sit in your car for a couple of minutes. Listen to your favorite song, ground yourself, or take some deep belly breaths. Regulating your nervous system in small ways can make a huge difference.
Give yourself permission to feel everything
Joy, nostalgia, grief- the holidays bring all of them up. Let it happen, you’re not broken for feeling a mix of emotions. Give yourself grace: this season can be beautiful for some and hard for others. And remember, you can always talk to a therapist to help figure out other ways to cope with the stresses of the holidays!
After it’s over, reflect but don’t ruminate
When all is said and done, take a moment to ask yourself:
- What went well?
- What drained me?
- What do I want to do differently next year?
Reflection helps you learn, rumination keeps you stuck. Do not only look at the things that frustrated you. Look for the good things even if they are small.
You can’t pick your family’s behaviors, but you can pick your approach. The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful and fun. They just have to be real and so do you. Here’s your permission to protect your peace, savor the small moments, and remember that you’re allowed to enjoy the holidays in a way that feels good for you.